Dear Carrie: It’s been reported lately, most notably in the Wall Street Journal, that Mattel has had some trouble lately because of slumping sales in its flagship line, Barbie. In order to get the company back on track, Mattel wants to give Barbie a makeover due to lost sales to The Bratz. How would you makeover Barbie, Carrie?
Oh, Barbie. Bless your heart. It's hard to compete with The Bratz when you're 46.
I think this is what they call a mid-life crisis. You spent so many years dating a man who may or may not have loved you back (we all know he didn't love Skipper, just her boyfriend). You've had over 80 careers. You worked tirelessly as a doctor, an astronaut, a businesswoman, a police officer, a UNICEF volunteer, and an athlete (a World Cup soccer player, no less). You were a firefighter, the Princess of Ireland, and even a Presidential candidate. You did all this and more all while maintaining a 39-23-33 figure. No wonder no one likes you anymore.
Barbie, what you need is a transformation that rivals Sandy's from Grease. Remember sweet, demure Sandy? By the end of the school year, she had discovered skin-tight leather, big hair, and really, really high heels.
Maybe that¹s all you need, but just in case that doesn't work out for you, here are a few tips to ensure you'll soon be popular once more.
- First off, ditch the Corvette for an Escalade. Make sure it has some
24" wheels, too. Tivo a few episodes of "Pimp My Ride" on MTV for ideas on
getting yourself hooked up with some quality transportation every little
girl would envy.
- You are straight-up loaded. Buy yourself a first-class ticket to Italy and make a date to get some new threads made just for you. I can't think of a single store that accommodates your measurements anyway. Forget ready-to-wear you need to be all about haute couture. You were into it once, remember? Versace, Dolce & Gabbana, Vera Wang you wore it all. Remember how nice you looked then?
- Find yourself a new man, one who is ready to commit. 43 years of dating Ken and you never did make it to the altar. Granted, marriage isn't for everyone, but we all know it's what you wanted.
- Let's be honest here. The beginning of the end for you was your pal, the MC Hammer doll. Maybe now you could share some new friends with the world 50 Cent, Orlando Bloom, a couple of Backstreet BoysŠ You get where I'm going with this, don't you? And by the way, I know you and Jude Law are tight as ticks, but let's not showcase that until this whole drama with the nanny dies down. You have enough image problems as it is.
If it doesn't work out, sugar, don't let it get you down. You've done it all anyway. Take some classes at the local community college. Get back to
gardening. Rediscover the joy of riding in your camper (if it still runs). Aging isn't easy, Barbie, but just think only 9 short years till you get your AARP card (and a great discount at the cafeteria). Who needs popularity when you get that kind of recognition?